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Turning your back, you button your blouse. That’s new. You redirect the conversation. A man has entered it. Your therapist has given you permission to discuss this with me, the word you’ve been looking for in desire. You can now say “heterosexual” with me. We mean different things when we say it. I mean the life I left behind forever. For you, it’s a new beginning, a stab at being normal again, a desire to enter the world with a man instead of a woman, and of course, there’s the word you won’t claim for yourself anymore, you who have children to think of, you who have put me in line behind them and mean to keep the order clear. It’s really my word against yours anymore in this new language, in this battle over how a man is about to enter this closed room of desire we’ve gingerly exchanged keys to, but desire isn’t what’s at issue anyway, you say to me. Instead I learn a man can protect you in a way a woman only means to but never can, and my world is too new when there’s real life out there, word after word for how normal looks, each word cutting like scissors a profile of desire— a man facing a woman, nothing particularly new or interesting to me. I’ve wanted only to face you and the world simultaneously, say what I mean with my body, my choice to not be a man, to be a woman with you, forget the man’s part or how his body is the word for what touch can contain, what love means. If this were only about desire, you say, I’d still desire you. But it isn’t passion we’re defining, new consequences emerge when a man and desire are part of the words we hurl, you changing how you mean loving—this terrible final news.
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